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Online dating is not for me…

25 Oct

Maybe you do; maybe you don’t, but I suspect some of you have been wondering how the internet dating thing is going.  And maybe, ever the optimist, I have been waiting for an update until I have better news…but alas, that ain’t happening.

No, I have not met a sexy hunk, who managed to turn on the mommy. And I have just about had it now.  So, ready or not, here I go…

Last time I checked, I think I had about three weeks of my subscription left, and that’s it.  Definetely not renewing that one… I have met a few guys, yes.  Most of the ones I actually met, really liked me, but unfortunately the feeling was not quite mutual.  I have not yet felt the flutter of any butterflies in my stomach; in fact those damn butterflies have barely showed any interest!

My analysis-paralysis self thinks the reason for this is that I am generally very interested in people and love talking to people about their lives, where they come from, what they are doing etc.  And most men clearly like this.  I can actually keep a conversation going in most instances…and almost everyone has some interesting side to them.  Like the Harley Davidson biker, who couldn’t spell (motor viets), but lived in Nice for four years.  Or the beer brewer who was interested in dating older women (he was 35 years old).  Or the Latino guy who was an ex-Olympian athlete.  But (mainly due to the lack of chemistry), when they start talking about a second date or worse, tell me that they think I am their life partner, I sort of get cold feet very quickly.

Maybe somewhere in the haystack that is the 1 000 daily matches, I will be able to find the golden needle who is my perfect match, but I just don’t have the energy anymore to try and find out.

A typical session starts like this:

  • Log in, making sure that ‘remember password’ is not checked – wouldn’t want my kids to be able to log into my account!
  • Firstly check for messages and delete the ones from the guy who likens me to a flower or the pesky guy who sneaks in by concealing his marital status by answering the question ‘Ask me later’.  Or a follow up message from someone I ignored before, asking me if I want a longer message, ‘then give a guy an indication’.  Hell no!
  • Check to see if anyone new has added me as their favourite, which makes them a fan in internet dating lingo.  Most of the time there would be a new fan.  Someone like Jors the romantikus, or some guy from Klerksdorp, Secunda or some outlying town (I suspect this is because I listed Afrikaans as my first language).
  • At this stage I often feel like gagging or reaching for the wine.
  • The next step is to look at my new matches (which of course will still include the same old ones that were there yesterday and the day before).  Every now and then there will be a new face (or maybe I am lowering my standards?).
  • I get quite irritated by guys who don’t have pictures.  The only reasons why I think someone would not post a picture is because they really are dog ugly or because they are worried that someone would spot them, like a girlfriend or wife.  (Of course there was the school principal…I guess as a parent you may be a little upset to stumble across the principal online?)
  • If an interesting catch line (or a hottie) catches my eye, I will go into the detailed profile, check out all the requirements, and where I fall short (you know, literally too short or I may get penalised for being curvaceous as opposed to average looking).  One guy listed, as a requirement, all the colour eyes, except blue.  Huh?? What sort of idiot disqualifies a potential match because she has blue eyes?  I was tempted to ask (actually, I did – no response).
  • If I like someone, I can then add them as a favourite or send them a message.
  • And wait and see if I get a reply…

Since I quickly realised that merely adding a favourite is not a very effective way of attracting someone’s attention, I have on occasions sent messages to guys that I really found interesting.  What a disaster.  One guy listed all his requirements in a lot of detail, from the fact that his ideal match must eat with her mouth closed and brush her teeth every day to having a nice tone of laughter and more.  Funny, I thought.  I spent probably 15 minutes plus compiling a reply that ticked off each requirement and that personally I thought was quite quirky and made me sound like fun.  No reply.

Another not-that-good-looking-but-acceptable guy had an interesting profile and I sent him a message asking if he would like to chat.  He replied saying thank you for the message but that he wasn’t sure if I had the look that he usually go for.  Duh?  I was tempted to send a message back saying he certainly didn’t have the look I would normally go for, but that I thought I would give him a shot because he sounded interesting.  Of course, I wouldn’t degrade myself like that.

By this time, if I haven’t yet had a glass of wine, I will give it up for a bad job.  If I have had a glass of wine, I may be tempted to start taking the mickey out or someone.  Like “Sort of loosing interest here, so pardon me for mailing a non-mutual ‘fan’ but what the heck.”  Or “Okay, not everyday I get an almost 100% match on this site that does not look like my cousin from the far old east Transvaal.” Of course I didn’t get responses on either. In hindsight, I probably sounded a bit crazy (or tipsy)….

After my blog post about changing my profile, I made some amendments to my profile.  Which got me in the hot water with the Big Brother of dating websites.  (You may not know this, but they actually scrutinise all edits and posts.  If you dare share any contact details with someone who has not at least replied to you or contacted you first, they will remove the contact details).  I had the audacity to mention that my subscription is expiring soon, so I am giving it a last shot, and got a really nasty mail (after they [removed] the sentence).

The message said: “Subscription status in profile. Unfortunately this is your final warning. We will therefore need to delete your profile if this happens again.”

I may have neglected to tell you that I got two prior warnings.  When I joined the site, I (ignorant as I clearly was, and without reading the fine print), used my real name in my profile name.  Something like ‘Gerdajv’. Which was apparently against the rules.  So when they set up my profile, they changed it to ‘Regdajv’.  Really??  Of course, I thought they made a mistake, and before I read my messages, I changed it back.  And then this pop-up appeared notifying me that I had two new messages.  I almost got excited there for a moment about getting two messages in the first hour (miss popularity?), but both were messages from Big Brother, the first to warn me that I am not allowed to use my real name and they have therefore changed it, and the second was a firm reprimand: “Real / full name in profile. Please don’t do it again.

So, officially I am on my final written warning. On a dating website.  That’s hilarious.  Maybe I will have a glass of champagne on that…:-). I am even tempted to do something really bad, like putting a fake email address in my write up and see if they will really delete my profile. But one never knows what happens and maybe one day in the future (maybe when I am tired of playing with the speed settings on my wheelchair in the old age home?), I may want to have some fun and wouldn’t give a hoot what the person looks like anymore. Never burn your bridges!

Anyway, I also came to the conclusion that I am really too busy for this whole thing. I have been texting (whatsapp not whatsup…duh!) this guy in Pretoria and a couple of weeks ago, he suggested that we meet up. Which is when I realised I didn’t have a single free Saturday night until end November and only one free Friday night.  And I am starting weekday Salsa classes with a friend this week (Wicount vouchers!).  And frankly, it is quite a depressing pastime.  Like setting yourself up for failure. I have been told by one guy that most girls are unrecognisable from their pictures (I think a lot of guys are too…especially that one that looks like Sylvester Stallone).  And I am way past the point of trying to pretend to be someone I am not.

I have a new found respect for those people who have found love online.  They clearly have a lot more perseverance than I do.  But for me, it’s ‘Roger over-and-out’.

 
7 Comments

Posted by on October 25, 2012 in Single life

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

7 responses to “Online dating is not for me…

  1. Erica Dudine

    October 25, 2012 at 8:36 am

    What a laugh! Great stuff, Gerda!!!

     
  2. lisa@notesfromafrica

    October 25, 2012 at 9:26 am

    Ha ha – funny post! Never tried on-line dating while I was single, but after reading your description, that’s probably a good thing. As I was reading, I was thinking what I’d put as my “ideal partner”: good, kind, honest, sense of humour, no substance abuse problems. Obviously, there has to be some chemistry or physical attraction too. Can’t believe how specific some of these guys were getting with their physical check-list.

     
    • Justcallmegertie

      October 25, 2012 at 9:37 am

      It is horrible! For me, honesty and a sense of humour is extremely important. And intelligence or at the very least someone who reads books…? And someone who doesn’t take life too serious!

       
  3. Thuli

    October 25, 2012 at 10:57 am

    I think we must invite Chris Harrison of The Bachelor(Friday Channel 116 Vuzu)…. that way we’ll have better chances of ppl meeting their matches. Or start up our own Proudly South-African one because- 1 man choosing out of 30 women at a time😕 (

    Thats supposed to be a confused smiley by the way🙂

     
    • Justcallmegertie

      October 25, 2012 at 10:59 am

      Thuli, I think I am more likely to meet someone in the Woolies queue than online! So watch me smiling and checking out the contents of those guys’ baskets…:)

       

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