Fifty shades of what?

Okay really, if you’re asking that you must have been living in a closet for the last few months…

Let me start off by saying I love reading. Like in a lot. I only started reading English books in high school so unfortunately I missed out on a lot of the classics. This year, I am trying to catch up on that and read a couple of classic english literature books, like Catcher in the Rye and To kill a mockingbird. My introduction to English writing, however, were Mills & Boons…:). I am an incurable romantic.

But I normally steer away from the hyped up books everyone is reading. I read too many Danielle Steele’s when I was a teenager and the last M&B I read was more than 3 years ago. Having said that I have been intrigued by all the hype around this book. Fifty shades of Grey. On Amazon, when I checked, there were more than 11 000 readers’ reviews. On a scale from 1 to 5 stars, 40% rated the book a five star and 33% a one star. You do the math, the rest is spread fairly equally. So people either love it or hate it. No in betweens. And the bad reviews are bad….no character building, ‘atrocious writing’, the repetition. Apparantly Ana says ‘jeez’ a total of 81 times and ‘oh my’ 72 times. The author sounds like a teenager, etc, etc, etc. Oh crap, does she?

So I decided to judge for myself. Yes, it is an erotic book, no doubt about that. Yes, there are lots of shocking (and amusing) sex scenes. And it is completely unrealistic. Jeez….the heroine is a 22 year virgin and the bad boy hero is a 26 year old self-made multi millionaire who by anyone’s standards is too good to be true. He is a fully trained pilot, employs over 40 thousand people, enjoys ‘soaring’ and sailing in his spare time, owns a helicopter called Charlie Tango and a jet. And my personal favourite, an apartment in New York. And he is hot. Very hot, especially when his pants just ‘hang off him like that’.

But he is ‘complicated and mercurial’. Actually, in his own words, he is ‘fifty shades of f***ed up’. Almost on page 100, Ana (short for Anastacia…kid you not) finally signs the nondisclosure agreement so we can find out more about the dark side to this gift to women. And gets introduced to the ‘playroom’ and his BDSM tendencies. Oh my… But, always a gentlemen, he helps her to crawl before she starts running and has ‘vanilla sex’ with her (i.e. with no toys, whips, or spanking). It really is unreal. If Will Smith plays in the movie version, I will hold my breath and wait for him to turn into an alien…!

But alas…I am still reading. I finished the first book and is more than halfway through the second. (I may not have started the second book if the first one didn’t end on a cliffhanger….). The sex scenes are getting a bit repetitive now (despite the change in scenery…the boathouse, childhood bedroom, catamaran, billiard table, grand piano, and don’t forget the elevator), but the good girl/bad boy story has me hooked… Any girl who has ever fallen for a bad boy will be able to relate. Will she be able to save this man from himself, or will he drag her down and drown her in the process. Will she be able to survive the rollercoaster and temper his insane jealousy. In real life…not a chance…but maybe it’s possible in this fairytale world. I have even shed a few tears for this broken man who doesn’t like to be touched.

So, for now I am still amazed at this runaway best seller. The paperback has been reprinted to keep up with the demand. The fastest selling adult novel of all time. In paperback and the ebook version. Incidentally, the ebook release has been credited with some of its success. Women, who otherwise wouldn’t have been caught dead reading this ‘smut’ will download and read the kindle version…:). Apparently the London Tube is a little bit hotter than normal this summer!

I certainly won’t put the book on any list of ‘books to read before you die’ but I have actually enjoyed it and I suspect I will buy the 3rd book in the trilogy as well. The last book that managed to keep me up past my bedtime was the ‘Millennium series’ trilogy…

But please……no sequels??

 

Holiday blues (or whites)

It’s the weekend, baby! And it’s a long weekend for me on top of it. And despite crashing my car into a security vehicle in our Estate yesterday…(erm, I looked down for 2 seconds to find the charger cable for the iPad…), with a short detour via the Midrand police station, we are all checked in at our home for the weekend, a 2 bedroom self catering unit in a lovely holiday resort.

The fridge is stocked with food, more food, and wine… The birds are chirping. I successfully managed to teach the girls how to play Rummy last night (it is successful if they manage to beat you on a run…). There is an entertainment programme which even includes sand art and a dance off this afternoon for the teens. And the weather has done a bit of a turnaround and played with the 30 degrees mark yesterday! (at the risk of getting a clap…did you know it snowed in Joburg last week?)

So why am I sitting in my bed and writing a blog? I should be out there, getting ready to hit the pool. Haul out the cozzie, the fresh smell of suntan lotion, cocktails in the sun….
Well that’s it…I was ‘blessed’ with a what they call a fair skin. Very fair. Super white.

When I was young and didn’t care about freckles or whether I am giving the sun arc eyes, I thought the standard deal with going out into the sun was getting sunburnt, nursing blisters and the peeling that goes with it a few days later. The vinegar baths, the lightweight clothing and the grinding on your teeth was all worth it for spending a day in the sun, and having a ball.

Then I got a bit older (and slightly wiser) and realised that not everyone burns like that. It was in the good old 80s and brown fat looked better than white fat. So I tried to get brown. Believe me I tried almost everything. The gradual tan….10 days of increasing sun exposure and lots of patience. And low and behold, after 10 days I had a brown, heathly tint to my skin. It worked, and I was running around in shorts everywhere showing off my legs. I was about to replace all my long pants when a week later the brown tint was gone. Literally gone. What the heck? All that trouble for a week of joy?

I also tried self tanning lotion. But since yellow is not my colour, I only tried that once. And later in years when the body lotion came out with gradual colouring with regular use, I also tried that. It worked, except that my fair skin has spots where the melanin congregates and is prone to freckles. So as with the sun, all these creams and stuff activate the colouring in those spots much quicker than the rest so instead of a smooth tan, I end up looking like the lesser spotted freak.

And then of course there is the risk of skin cancer. I once read that having had more than 2 episodes of blistering sunburns in childhood, doubles your risk of skin cancer. Oh boy, am I in trouble. Never mind blisters, try scabs from burning on top of blistering skin…

So…in the end I have resolved to ‘live with it’. I am seeing the advantages as I get older (finally!!) as I seem to have more youthful skin, less wrinkles. (That’s my story and i will stick to it!) And I wear skirts with sexy stockings, but you will seldom see me in shorts. Or cozzies…until of course, I am on holiday….

So, I am forced to substitute my trusted pair of jeans, or my powerful suits with a pair of shorts and a swimming costume today and all of the sudden I have a song stuck in my head…

She was afraid to come out of the locker
She was as nervous as she could be
She was afraid to come out of the locker
She was afraid that somebody would see
One, two, three, four, tell the people what she wore

Oh well, what the heck…maybe this time I can pull it off with grace. What are you looking at? Does the trick for stage fright, ie imagining everyone naked, work in this situation? Can’t do harm in trying, methinks 😉

 

It’s the WWW out there…

Okay, so I know I said I will never ever do the internet dating thing again…(or maybe I didn’t use words THAT strong).  But I did say I was careful.  Once bitten and all that jazz.

But you know, there is no harm in browsing is there?  So guess what I have been up to?  Oh, shock and horror.  There is still a huge stigma attached to internet dating (or maybe that is not the correct term, as technically it is just a way of getting introduced to new people).  What is wrong with you?  I know, I know.  Courtesy of my friend J who will remain anonymous: “The best way to meet the love of your life is through friends”, but honestly my friends ain’t running to my assistance or they are looking for someone special as well.

Also, I am not desperate, but would like to meet some new people and see where it takes me.

So maybe I need to explain the process to the uninitiated… Depending, of course, on which site you join, you are normally given a free profile, where you can upload a photo, answer a few questions about your ideal match and say a few words about what you are like and what you are looking for and voila! you are ready to go.

Unfortunately, most sites only let you browse without a subscription.  You can add people as ‘favourites’, send them one liners like ‘I’m interested so far, tell me more about yourself’ or ‘I’d love to respond but I don’t have a subscription yet’.  And of course you cannot share any contact details with someone who doesn’t have a membership.  So if you really want to have meaningful, more than one-liner conversations, then a membership is a must.

The other important thing is the ‘your ideal match’ section.  Here you have to list all the characteristics you would like in your ideal match. And you can be very specific, hair colour, smoking habits, drinking habits, how much money the person have (wealthy/fat cat) or just ‘any’.  All physical characteristics of course!  These criteria are used by the computer to match you to prospective buyers (sorry browsers) and come up with an ideal match!

But you have to be careful, because if you do not block people who do not match your non-negotiable criteria, your are sure to find a few married men and players adding you or sending you messages.  I got 2 messages from 2 men within 24 hours, one’s user name was actually something like ‘married_man’ looking for a relationship, not a ‘one night stand’.

So now you are (really) ready to go.  Just click on ‘my matches’ to find the most likely matches, and you can start browsing through……1 000 matching profiles!! It’s like going to a PEP store, an assault on the senses.  Where to look and where to click…

And so, what has my experience been so far?  Well, I actually met 2 men.  One just finished 50 shades of grey, so my checklist will now include to exclude that.  I am nobody’s guinea pig!  And the other guy whom I met at the Keg had his cuppa tea and could not stop trying to touch me.  Like he was a child in a candy store.  Thank goodness he was not drinking alcohol!

Otherwise I am just chatting to people.  There are some strange, strange people and very, very ordinary ones as well.  Some of the guys’ ‘about themselves’ read like a story book… One guy’s profile looked quite interesting (sensitive guy), but when I sent a message, he came back ‘throwing a few point out’ like that his divorce left him in debt and he hasn’t fully recovered financially (did I look like a gold digger???), that he is 53 years old (yeah, I can read and count incidentally) and that he is a photographer and that if I get jealous easily I am not the one for him.  You gotta be kidding me??

The clever guys all appear to have a huge chip on their shoulders.  “I am so clever, I can actually google a quote!”  And then there are loads without pictures.  To me it says that you are either really ugly, very shy or worried that a girlfriend or wife sees the picture!!

For now, I will continue browsing.  Maybe a few random messages, just for fun (like the one I sent to someone who added me in Melbourne, offering a map book).  And giggle when I get told that I remind someone of a flower… Maybe if I look past the spelling mistakes, the boasters and all the comrades athletes, I may find someone interesting to have coffee with???